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The Best Worst Turtle Movie You’ll See This Year

by Zach Gasior

Despite all the studio backpedaling and claims that the TMNT movie is being pushed back to coincide with the Turtle’s 30th birthday, it looks like Bay’s Turtle script may very well be completely flushed down to the sewers after receiving an entirely new level of fan scorn compliments of the diligent critics at the Latino Review.

 TMNT MICHAEL BAY, www.teenagemutantninjaturtles.com

While rumors and little leaks proliferated around the internet, someone finally got their hands on a complete copy of the script and not only confirmed that the worst “alien” rumors were true, but that they were stupider than previously imagined.  Not only were the turtles to be Aliens, but they were also to be the subject of an ancient Dimension X turtle-warrior prophecy…and then something about orbs. It’s as if Bay purposely put every lazy screenwriter cliché on a list, and then checked them off as he reduced the script step-by-step to ever lowering common denominators.


A list of TMNT script atrocities runs something like this:


1) The turtles are actually aliens (we all knew that). They are descended from a long line of turtle warrior people who oppose the evil Krang in Dimension X.


2) Casey Jones and April O’Neill are 18 year old high school kids in a touch-and-go relationship.  They live inMichigan, but eventually move toNew York.


3) The Shredder is actually “Colonel Schrader.”  He is an alien.


4) Dimension X is basically Pandora from “Avatar.”


5) Casey Jones is the de facto protagonist.  The Turtles are simply the action catalyst, and presumably break up their team at the end of the movie.


The online scuttlebutt is that the Bay script would essentially be “Avatar” meets “Transformers,” but with turtles.  In this iteration, Casey Jones would essentially take over the Shia Lebeouf / Spike roll, and a central plot point would be his pursuit of April O’Neill, this movie’s Megan Fox surrogate.


Thankfully, it seems this script will not see the light of day – at least not as far as the big Hollywood studios are concerned – but fear not: over at Latino Review, they’ve cut together a 12-minute montage of turtle fan art, and narrated a summarized version of the script with exactly the exasperated disinterest we’ve all voiced for this feeble offering.  If you’ve got a quarter hour to kill, bop over to Latino Review and behold the horror that could have been.

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