The holiday season is upon us. With that comes time spent with friends and family, and there is perhaps no better way to bond with your loved ones than by enduring the fiery crucible known as We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. For some reason, every franchise is compelled to give their version of a holiday special, and at the height of Turtlemania in the 1990s the Heroes-in-a-Half-Shell delivered fans their own monstrosity. Now that it is safe to view this special without actually ruining the holiday itself, let’s take a look at the Turtles’ Christmas musical.
Clocking in at 22 minutes in length, We Wish You a Turtle Christmas is mercifully short. It’s a good thing too, because while the Turtle’s live-action iterations looked great in the first movie, their declining quality hit rock bottom here. Just take a good look at their faces.
That is some serious nightmare-fuel for both kids and adults. Raphael looks like he wants to eat your soul through the screen while his brothers watch with glee. I myself did not see this as a child (In 1994, when this was released, I was 7 years old), but if I did there’s a good chance I would not be a TMNT fan today.
But it isn’t just the Turtle suits that are bad, the whole production has a cheap quality that screams “cash grab.” Maybe not as cheap as “Operation Blue Line,” but pretty close. And if you think the aesthetics look cheap, just wait until you take a listen to the wonderful holiday jams. Though it does feature “updated” versions of holiday classics like “Deck the Halls” and “The 12 Days of Christmas,” there are also wholly original songs including “Wrap Rap,” which is definitely some middle-aged executive’s idea of what a rap song is. Just take a listen for yourself:
The good news when it comes to this song is that it comes near the end of the show, meaning that you can soon get back to more enjoyable things like taking repeated shots to the groin. Anyone wanting to subject themselves to We Wish You a Turtle Christmas can do so with a cursory internet search, or just by clicking here. At least you won’t have to pay what this thing retailed for at the time of its release (also, if anyone actually knows the true retail price for this back in the 1990s, please let us know in the comments). If there is a silver lining to this holiday abomination, it’s that it ensured there wouldn’t be any more shoddy, live-action adventures of the TMNT.
Nevermind.
